This article is written by Ramanuj Mukherjee, CEO, LawSikho.

Permission is a big challenge in the lives of many people. Many dreams in the world are stuck due to lack of permission. Somebody had to say yes, but said no, and blocked your way.

Billions of human beings will never live their true passion, chase their destiny, or find out who they could be because someone withheld permission.

It has happened to me a lot. I wanted to play football as a career. My parents thought that was crazy. According to them, only rich people can afford such luxuries to pursue sports as a career. They wanted me to become either an engineer or a doctor. I did not have permission. So I moved on.

Then I wanted to be a lawyer. They were dead against that too. Especially my father was heart broken. He had named me after Srinivasa Ramanujan and wanted me to be a mathematician. That’s not what I wanted though. So as a compromise, he wanted me to study some science subject in my graduation or preferably become an engineer working at Infosys.

I rebelled. I waged a war until I got to study law. He eventually paid my first semester law school fees from his PF savings as the education loan was going to take some time to get sanctioned.

The people who love us always have some plans for us, and their views often differ from ours.

At times, it is professional. A lot of people find it hard to do a course with us because of strict rules in their organization (although mostly it should not matter because we don’t offer any formal degree or qualification). Or maybe because their boss insisted on doing a course that has university recognition rather than an unaffiliated course from LawSikho.

At times you need the permission of your parents, or brother or sister, or maybe husband or wife. In old age, some people need the permission of their children.

I am glad that I do not need permission from anyone today to pursue my dream and personal predilections. But still, at times I need the permission of my co-founder Abhyuday. If I raise capital for LawSikho, I will need permission from investors. As LawSikho grows big we may end up having a board of directors whose permission I will need to pursue new directions and for major business decisions.

So how do you align people who have an interest in you to see things your way, or at least to allow you, even if they disagree, to pursue your own destiny?

This is a very important question in life that you need to answer.

Very often, when we speak to prospective students of our courses, the question of permission comes up. I have coached a lot of people on how to get this permission successfully. Let me share my formula with you.

Share your vision

The number one reason people do not agree with you is that you have not shared your vision with them.

When my sister was 26, my parents suddenly became anxious to get her married. Apparently, it was getting very late for her to get married. All relatives were complaining to them and advising them to act fast.

My sister was, on the other hand, a young independent professional, handling the legal department of a large business group. I asked her what were her dreams. She said she wanted to do masters and maybe teach in foreign universities some day.

I spoke to both my parents, one  by one, on telephone and asked them what do they prefer: their daughter married off at an early age, raising two kids and paying mortgage for a flat, which will probably be a barrier for her further career growth, or a daughter teaching in foreign universities, a famous professor who is invited all over the world to deliver lectures?

I knew both my parents love the teaching profession. And they would like my sister to become a professor. I used that to the hilt. I asked them to imagine their life, if they went to study abroad, and taught at universities in Europe. Would they prefer that to their current life?

When they started imagining this picture, they were moved. My father had tears in his eyes. I had a separate call with both my mother and father. Both of them asked me, is this what your sister really wants to do?

I said: yes, at least that is what she is saying.

My sister is about to turn 30, is still unmarried and runs her own legal practice independently today in Kolkata. My parents never put any pressure on her to get married after that. Maybe a comment or two were passed at times over dinner, but they stopped trying to find grooms for her, or pestering her with proposals!

That’s the magic of a vision. My sister never did her masters so far. She has not made any attempt to be a professor. But my parents were moved by a larger vision of she becoming a powerful professional, and the vision they had of her getting married and they getting relieved of a social headache took the back seat.

If you want to align your family, or boss, or anyone else with what you want to do, approach them with a bigger vision, and it is likely to work because after all, they have your interest in their mind.

 

Talk about what is of interest to them

Most of the times though, you do not even need to share a bigger vision. You just need to promise them what they want.

I tell my students to do this all the time. When someone says I really wanted to do XYZ course but my father does not think an online course is of any value, this is what I tell them. Promise your father that if he allows you to do this course, you will perform amazingly well in the next internship, and you will have a huge chance of landing a PPO.

Well, that’s not enough. Promise that you will land a job with at least 50,000 salary per month if he supports you.

Fathers will rarely say no to that. Most of them just want their children to take responsibility for the outcome of their life. If your daughter or son says I take responsibility, if you let me do this course I promise you I will deliver so and so results, they have very little reason to say no.

Why just a course, it could be about any permission. If your parents are not allowing you to study law, for instance, you can promise them that if they let you study law you will ensure that you will do something that they always wanted you to do – such as I will give UPSC when I graduate.

Strike a bargain. Give them what they want if you get what you want. Let me give you some examples I have seen work in real life.

If you let me go on this tour I promise to go to the church every Sunday.

If you give your blessings and help me with financial support as I quit my job and pursue independent law practice, I promise I will take care of half of all expenses of sister’s marriage. I will earn enough, don’t worry.

Give them that assurance. Take away some burden for them. You will be surprised by the results.

This can work with your employer or boss too. If you let me work from home on Wednesdays I will help you in business development by working over time. I will find one new client for you every month. I will help you set up a new practice area. I will help you to train the new joinees. I will help you to implement office policies better. It could be anything, as long as your boss is already very concerned about that issue.

There is one problem here though. Some children do not have the trust of their parents. Some employees do not have the trust of their bosses. For them this method doesn’t work. If you have broken your promises a lot of times in the past, your promise will have no value to them now.

Then you have to earn back their trust by making small promises and keeping them first. Your family wants to believe in you. Your boss wants to believe in you. Give them the reasons to trust you and they will.

Make it easy for them to understand what you want to do

While I was pursuing law, my father was still not settled with the idea. In fact, till this date, he does not approve of what I do!

In any case, I started sharing a lot of information with him about law as a profession. I will place newspaper articles in front of him to read that talked about law as a profession and about how desirable law schools are. I would slip in information about law firms, partner salaries, lives of big lawyers which would catch his attention while having some unrelated conversation.

The result? When my sister decided to study law 2 years later, she faced none of the blockades and drama I faced. In fact, sometimes, my father connects his colleagues who want information about law as a career for their children with me. Clearly, he talks with pride about what I do for his friends to ask him to connect with me for advice.

That was a long way to come.

Be persistent if you do not get permission or alignment, and make it easy for them. Most of the time they do not understand what you want to do because they do not have the same background information. Share that information with them, that part is your responsibility.

A lot of people do not share information or vision with the person they want permission from, and expect them to be mind readers. Please do not fall into that trap. My father was never going to do independent research into law as a career!

The job would have been easier now, given that we have created Superlawyer.in. Many parents tell me that after reading superlawyer interviews they got convinced to allow their children to study law. Pat me on the back.

Stand your ground

I can’t promise that all permissions will be obtained so amicably. When all these were tried and you still failed, please learn to take a stand. That is how I managed to go to law school. I threatened to leave the house and refused to take WBJEE (exam to take for getting into engineering or medical school). I told them if I could not go to law school I will enroll in English literature courses instead.

They knew I was not going to budge. So after much drama, refusal of food from both sides etc, and a stalemate for weeks, my mother began to take my side. Then my father grudgingly agreed to let me pursue what I wanted to pursue.

Sometimes your ambition will scare your parents. They would not have the stomach for the risks that you are ready to take. When I wanted to quit my well paying law firm job, my parents were very unhappy and concerned. I had to tell them I have bigger dreams and I am not going to listen to them. I told them that I want to build my own organization. So they gave in.

The same thing happened when I announced that I am buying a motorbike. They thought I will get into an accident and die. Nobody in my family rides bikes due to this fear. But till date, two wheelers are my preferred mode of travelling. If my family had their way, I would never have access to one. Something as small as travelling by a motorbike was a major flashpoint in my relationship with my parents until I aligned them with what I believed. They didn’t agree, but let me be.

Sometimes you have to prove that your resolve to do what you want to do is stronger than anything else that will come in your way.

Share your stories with me

I hope this helps to some extent. Family situations are extremely sensitive and you need to handle them with love and care. But I still have a lot to learn on this, and do share your own experiences. I will share the best stories with the rest of the community.

If we can’t persuade our family to see from our point of view, then what kind of lawyers will we be? Isn’t that what we get paid for? Don’t we have to do that in courts, negotiations and client meetings?

All the best! May all your dreams come true. I hope family pressure and lack of permission never stops you from achieving your goals, dreams and destiny.

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