by Srishti Aishwarya
Generally I tend to talk a lot about self-development, shiny bright side of law school, and life. For a change, here is a tad bit of digression. Here is a new series called “Diary of a 20-Something-Confused-Gonna Graduate- Law Student, discussing and dealing with academics, job worries, love life, peers and family, not in an idealistic way, but confused real way and finding the way in the process.
I’m a loser – so what?
I was crying my eyes out, semi-drunk, sitting somewhere, totally lost. Lamenting over the pathetic life I have, rejected again and again, slammed from all possible directions, I felt like a loser. A big bad loser.
Incidentally, a friend of mine called up that very time, so I started shrieking and sobbing on a phone, the theme being, “I’m such a loser”. After listening to me politely for a while, he finally said, “Even assuming you are a loser, so what?”
I shrieked, “I don’t want to be a loser, I’m not a loser”. He consoled me for a while, coaxed me to go home. Talking more to me didn’t help, I was as sure as hell not going to make any sense that day.
I went back with smudged and sore eyes, totally exhausted- I hit the bed instantly.
The next day when I got up, I tried to recollect the happenings of last night, crying, planning possible exit modes, feeling like a pathetic loser, talking to the friend, and got back into that insanely sad mode again.
My problem was I was not being able to come to terms with myself. How can I possibly get rejected, how can I be the one so hopelessly, helplessly slammed? Why am I without an iota of certainty in my life? Being the person who likes to control every second of her life, it was too hard to digest that personally, professionally, socially, I had pretty much no idea about what’s going on with me.
I just could not handle how things were not the way they were supposed to be – with no fault of mine that I could think of. People are going away when I need them the most. My self-confidence and self-esteem went down the drain. From being a person who totally madly was in love with herself, I gradually went on to become someone who would pray of some car accident or bomb blast that can possibly end her misery. I could not deal with things, it was like everything is slipping away from my hand. I could not, just could not accept the way life was turning out to be.
So, even though I thought I’m a loser, I could not accept it. I can’t be one.
While thinking over all of this, I remembered my friend’s words: “Even if you are a loser, so what?”
So what even if I’m a hopelessly confused, semi-suicidal, total wreck? So what if nobody cares? Crying over it is as sure as hell not going to change it. If I’m a loser, I am. And I need to come to terms with myself to change that. I was in the middle of nowhere, somewhere I thought I’m a loser, and deep inside I did not want to be one. And both the beliefs kept on reinforcing themselves, leading to a vicious cycle of emptiness and misery.
The first thing I needed to do was to accept things as they are and be comfortable with failure and rejection. Accept the way my life has turned out to be. And even if I’m a loser, so what? It does not give me the license to lose self-confidence. Self-confidence is not something attached to achievements. It is something you need to have inherent in you, and I need to have inherent in me. No rejection can possibly be the measure of my life.
So, I’m a loser, but I’m going to change it.